Contemplation #1

Your mind
is
fast to dry,

Slow to mould,
to try refine.

You’ve the glasses,
But still blind-

Sighted by
specific “whys”.

Too deluded
to deny.

Too afraid
to dare defy.

With the norms
you have complied.

Not emotionally tried.

Looked inside yourself,
and lied.

Searched inside yourself
and cried.

Expectations
to abide.

Locked your true heart
deep inside.

Wished to free yourself
and sighed.

For a part of you
has died.

you

you
a tall container of emotional idiosyncrasies that no one would ever see unless they
talk to you
necessary to invite you to spew out your mental insecurities and reveal deepest secrets
excreting what exactly makes you
you
making sense of all that you choose to do
and why you smile at sad things

from these lenses of affection they are a changing shade of colour every time you tell me something
new
that exposes a novel part of your soul to me
making the solid colours swirl like the palettes of the galaxy
shining and twinkling in some parts
and pitch dark black in others

i feel like i have this
very prized telescope
being able to look into you
like this
that you have so hesitantly given me because you are afraid that
whoever knows your preferred method of taking tea
will also be able to hurt you

that whoever knows of your childhood fears and current guilts
will use this knowledge
to bring you harm

that whoever has such a peculiar interest in you
may be malicious indefinitely,
taking these precious details about you
to ridicule and reduce to stupid habits
most likely due to the fact that someone has harmed your heart
before

i have come to learn that those who i have loved
and who have hurt me
have never done so intentionally
and all had happened due to miscommunication
and a refusal to admit
and answer questions
that had difficult replies

talking honestly makes everything better
at least,
i believe
most of the time.

so while you hold yourself so rigid and afraid to open yourself up
horrified to see some spillage of some undesirable aspect
you should know that people are hardly ever judging you.
and if they are, that is more a reflection of themselves than you
since people are more prone to be ruthless to themselves rather than others
and that you deserve to be cherished and valued
than to be apprehensive of someone who wants to gift you nothing but
love and kindness
even if you cannot detect or refuse to admit it –

you
a lovely human who has so much to say
and so much to do
unable to access the courage to loosen up the grips of protective latches
or to be vulnerable and confident and strong on the surface
like how you say i am whenever i emerge.

i am these things because i draw strength from your quiet bravery
i am overtly terrified and shielded and overwhelmed
i am only able to admit this because i want you to listen and understand
that i understand
even if you don’t want to talk about it.

and that you are beautiful regardless.
and that you are loved by a lot of people.

little idiot man

I want to take your head
and clasp it so tightly that the shape and size
morphs into a clump

as if your scalp and brain was made
of orange play-doh-
I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

But the texture is probably dry and crumbly.
Efforts are futile to make anything of use.
That’s what happens when you play with incompetent clay…

You might as well have a handful of poop.

Narcissist

People often ask if I’m a “narcissist”
Because they catch me
Looking in the mirror
More frequently
Then is
“socially acceptable”.

Quite the contrary.
Actually,
I need the reflection
To assure myself
That
I am not a piece of shit
Nor an ugly basturd
Nor am I undeserving of living
And that I am
“Okay okay okay”

“I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay”
“I am human and existing”
“and imperfect”
“And that’s fine.”

This mantra,
combatting the ferocious mind plague
That has afflicted me
Since my early teens
Used to be something
Very different.

It once was a chant that declared
“You are worthless
You are nothing
You are a fat little idiot
Who will die alone”
And included all the words
That shouldn’t hurt you
But do.

And I have come too far to care about what other people think of my odd habits.
And I shall not revert back to how things used to be.

I am strong. I am kind. I am honest.

This is what is important.

So I’ll be damned if I let anyone make me feel bad
For assuring myself
Like this.

Sentimentality Hour: The only advice I’d ever give:

To I.G., for the kind words. 

You should always make a cup of tea
For it is comforting

You should always wear something comfy
That allows you to be free

You should always make the effort to see
Your friends and family

You should even admire simple trees
Or the sea smells in the breeze

You should try to agree
to disagree
To open closed mentalities

You shouldn’t always aim to please
And sacrifice individuality

And lastly,
You should never have to be alone
if you don’t want to be

Make a cup of tea
Put on something comfy
Look at the trees
Or watch a movie
And aim only to please
yourself-

You
Are
Wonderful.

And everyone else
Should see that.

But if company is what you lack,
Head on back into my arms,
I’ll protect you from the harm
That solitude often brings.

Though being alone is fine,
So long as you are happy-

But you should never have to be alone
if you don’t want to be.