Narcissist

People often ask if I’m a “narcissist”
Because they catch me
Looking in the mirror
More frequently
Then is
“socially acceptable”.

Quite the contrary.
Actually,
I need the reflection
To assure myself
That
I am not a piece of shit
Nor an ugly basturd
Nor am I undeserving of living
And that I am
“Okay okay okay”

“I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay”
“I am human and existing”
“and imperfect”
“And that’s fine.”

This mantra,
combatting the ferocious mind plague
That has afflicted me
Since my early teens
Used to be something
Very different.

It once was a chant that declared
“You are worthless
You are nothing
You are a fat little idiot
Who will die alone”
And included all the words
That shouldn’t hurt you
But do.

And I have come too far to care about what other people think of my odd habits.
And I shall not revert back to how things used to be.

I am strong. I am kind. I am honest.

This is what is important.

So I’ll be damned if I let anyone make me feel bad
For assuring myself
Like this.

How?

How have we settled for such mediocrity and passivity?
For instance,
You walk into a Tesco
(or a Sainsbury’s, if you’re fancy)
and pick a saggy sandwich
a bag of thinly fried potato
a bottle of bubbly sugar water
and they tell you that it’s
“The Meal Deal”
in minimalist retro fonts
that appeal to most people
and makes them respond
without thinking too hard
about what they are buying
with a thumbs up
and a belief that it’s
The “real deal”
that makes your taste buds feel
something more than untoasted British bread
some mayonnaise and 2 leaves of rocket
smushed with artificial yellow cheddar

the half-assness of it all
is revolting
and saddening
all at once
as you understand
there’s nothing better to eat
and you can’t be bothered
so you settle
settle
settle
into accepting
this is the best you have to look forward to
for lunch.