futile nectar

It seems everyone’s back-up expression
in any given dynamic
is that

“You can’t change people.”

Well… goddamn.

You can’t change someone if they wanna be changed
and you can’t change someone if they don’t
and you can just watch as your family members and friends
slowly destroy themselves
drink themselves to death
or kill themselves
because this is the accepted fate of mankind and humanity
merely because we all believe
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”

But if you stick an elderly labradoodle into a lava pit,
it’ll still try to avoid it.

A podcast for class once denoted the fact that primates have learned how to shift their opinions more effectively than humans because when it comes to admitting fault and acknowledging difference,
We are more idiotic than monkeys and chimpanzees.
More stubborn than donkeys and giant oak trees.

And those of us who try
to do something
will die off like honey bees.


click clack

as she loudly talked on the phone
complaining to whatever friend who would listen
about her “miserable existence”
while swiping on her new iPhone 10
clutching her Gucci bag
flipping a freshly groomed haircut
hailing for a taxi
glaring at passerbyers
for their stunned stares
in reaction to this oblivious
and rather obnoxious woman
whose privilege
was more thunderous
than the sound of her voice
that had only faced hardship
in not always getting something
the way she wanted.


People often ask if I’m a “narcissist”
Because they catch me
Looking in the mirror
More frequently
Then is
“socially acceptable”.

Quite the contrary.
I need the reflection
To assure myself
I am not a piece of shit
Nor an ugly basturd
Nor am I undeserving of living
And that I am
“Okay okay okay”

“I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay”
“I am human and existing”
“and imperfect”
“And that’s fine.”

This mantra,
combatting the ferocious mind plague
That has afflicted me
Since my early teens
Used to be something
Very different.

It once was a chant that declared
“You are worthless
You are nothing
You are a fat little idiot
Who will die alone”
And included all the words
That shouldn’t hurt you
But do.

And I have come too far to care about what other people think of my odd habits.
And I shall not revert back to how things used to be.

I am strong. I am kind. I am honest.

This is what is important.

So I’ll be damned if I let anyone make me feel bad
For assuring myself
Like this.

Still, Solidarity

This situation is particular,
Spectacular, piacular-
Still can’t really believe
What’s happened to her.

Oh, dear America,
Oh, land of the brave,
Your people have shown
They are ignorant knaves

Stream back to the time
When there were still slaves
Blatant legal bigotry,
Enforcing cruel trades

It seems little has changed…
No, there has been improvement-
Yet we’ve just went backwards
In monumental movement.

Devastated reactions
With the recent election –
Don’t know who to blame
For outrageous selection.

However, remember,
To stand all together
In rainbows and colours
Against fearsome weather

Turn this hate into patience
Trying to understand
How destiny wants us
To learn from this plan

For I am still hopeful
In the kindness of others.
I will teach from my sorrows
And spread warmth from my lovers-

These are tough times to bear
It’s a burden we share.
Let us show that we care
For each other’s welfare.

I am not in America, nor have I lived there for a very long time, but this is a similar reaction to this year’s Brexit- only now, I am directly effected. I can only hope that my friends and loved ones who are will stick together in these times. Take care of yourself and others. 


Imagine when
Coming out
For us
Finally meant
Going out to dance

Imagine when
Family and friends
Finally accepted us
For who we are

Imagine when
We reached a frustration
Too fierce to hold back anymore
We broke down the steel closet door
Any anyone who kept us in
With pride
And compassion
And it was enough.

Fighting to be simply
Who we were born
Coming out with my brothers and sisters
That I handpicked myself
Ready to dance the night away…

Imagine when
I saw them coming out
With gunshot wounds
And bloodstained clothes

Imagine when
I saw the person
Responsible for this monstrosity

49 dead
As many as the members of family I have
All over the world

49 dead.
3 classrooms worth
The amount at a local charity concert
Mourned universally
Because love transcends all kinds of boundaries
Except those of stubborn, ignorant, and hostile borders.

Because hate equates to pain in the end.
It’s always sorrow in the end.

Imagine when
Coming out in a club
Wasn’t such a hard thing to do before
But the fear is there once more,
And I’m terrified of what’s in store.