Sentimentality Hour: Thoughts on leaving Edinburgh

These days, everyone I meet is a ticking bomb.
And to everyone I meet, I’m a ticking bomb.

There is an expiration date to be revealed with every new interaction that wishes to renew itself, and once the cat is out of the bag and running underneath the bed to hide from the constraints of reality, they always say:

“I thought we had more time together.”

 

We mutually agree on this regrettable truth. We both begin to bitch about the system of foreign affairs and visas and “why can’t we just live in a place with no passports and discrimination.” We toy around with the idea of a green-card marriage like so many tv shows are doing as of late, before dismissing it unconsciously when we promise each other “to visit”. For a single second I feel like a risky investment before I remember that friendship should be more intrinsic than that.

 

There are few people I could stay for.

To stay would be synonymous with falling in love, a “once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity”, or having a reason to justify why I should aimlessly float here rather than somewhere else. Sure, there are my friends…so many friends and lovers whose lives I want to watch flourish. Whose moods I want to help lift when they are drooping into the dark depths of circumstance when routines are crushed by spontaneity and anxiety. But love is not enough to convince the customs officer why I should be able to exceed the limits of my Tiers-4 that took months worth of queuing in awkward waiting rooms in nameless buildings and forgotten downtown districts. I think of those who ponder “wanderlust”, and all I can reply is that “Sometimes, the desire to travel has less to do with curiosity for the world and more to do with aimlessness, fear of commitment, and missing out. A fundamental lack of a sense of belonging and fervent need to fit somewhere.”

 

I’ve found a place. It’s here. I’ve found a person to sing harmonies with who makes me feel like the world is only a beautiful place, as long as the guitar strings keep ringing in the tunnel with great acoustics. I’ve come across groups of likeminded individuals who want to make shared ideas into reality. I’ve started to understand that definitions of soulmates and the nuances of attraction. How to look passively at another person who shares no blood but has the same passion that runs in very different kinds of veins, and letting that be the main fuel of unconditional affection. I’ve come alive in the span of these past 4 years time. I’m ready to let my roots dig themselves deeper into this Scottish soil that seems to grow nothing but Brussel Sprouts and potatoes, to play around with snow drops and burnt patches left by barbecue kits. I could buy a dog, or a plant, or a membership to the theatre, because these are milestones that signify: “I shall be here for a while.”

 

But now, the decision at this point is “to fight” or “embrace”. Do I tackle each day like it’s the last one of its kind I’ll be able to experience for a while, or live in denial until the last week I get to feel “not bothered” about walking 15 minutes and go out of my way to see a friend? Do I break unsaid promises forged by familial obligation? They have given me everything but an identity and a voice…They gave me the prompt and the resources but I have crafted my own story. It started here, and this very important chapter is coming to its climax, and that scares the hell out of me.

Advertisements
Link

Sentimentality Hour: Here Comes A Thought (Steven Universe)

Lovely song from Steven Universe about trust and working together with someone. 

Take a moment to think of just
Flexibility, love, and trust
Take a moment to think of just
Flexibility, love, and trust

Here comes a thought
That might alarm you
What someone said and how it harmed you
Something you did that failed to be charming
Things that you said are suddenly swarming

And, oh, you’re losing sight, you’re losing touch
All these little things seem to matter so much
That they confuse you
That I might lose you

Take a moment, remind yourself
To take a moment and find yourself
Take a moment and ask yourself
If this is how we fall apart

But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
You’ve got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear
I’m here, I’m here, I’m here

Here comes a thought
That might alarm me
What someone said and how it harmed me
Something I did that failed to be charming
Things that I said are suddenly swarming

And, oh, I’m losing sight, I’m losing touch
All these little things seem to matter so much
That they confuse me
That I might lose me

Take a moment, remind yourself
To take a moment and find yourself
Take a moment and ask yourself
If this is how we fall apart

But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
I’ve got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear
I’m here, I’m here, I’m here

And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by
From here, from here, from here

Take a moment to think of just
Flexibility, love, and trust
Take a moment to think of just
Flexibility, love, and trust

 

Sentimentality Hour: Photos

My friends and I had the pleasure to experience the 101 fireworks in Taipei with an incredibly advantageous view from a hotel window. Everyone had a phone at hand, taking videos and Instagram things that I didn’t comprehend completely. Personally, I hate being in photos except for the occasional selfie.

What I don’t understand is why people take some many pictures. I guess with the new age of technology, it is important to document things, but sometimes it gets in the way of really appreciating the moment. I know it’s an overstated revelation, but it’s almost scary how prevalent it’s becoming to some people. Perhaps I’ll only really appreciate it when I’m old, and I only have the photos from other people showing me how I spent my time when I was younger, but I’d rather let the blurriness of distant memories embellish the past as I can recall it. I suppose the concept of filters can make paused glimpses of reality seem “grander”, yet I’d rather let imagination and time affect the way I view what has already happened.

I too, am victim to the craze of “smartphones”; this, I cannot deny. It doesn’t stop me from growing horrified that there are young kids who don’t know a life without them. We once were human creatures who didn’t need electric devices to have fun, who weren’t always distracted by the tiny lit-up screens and notifications. I’m sadly surprised to find my neck sore from glancing downwards at my iPhone so much.

For the older people, however, I completely understand their obsession. They lived in a time where none of this communication was possible. I still hear my mother and her friends exclaim at the seemingly simple concept of being able to use “Google Translate” to understand other languages. “So you can just put the sentence in here and it does it for you? Than why are you studying Spanish?” my mother once said to me. How did the generations of language learners not have this handy tool at their disposal? I think we have to work much less hard than they did, which means the rate in which we learn must be unfathomable more efficient, our potentials unlimited as the space on the internet. Maybe our obsession with vintage and old-fashioned things is subconsciously related to the fact that we will never have to rely on those outdated methods and styles that were the forerunners of how the present is designed. Why else would we put want to put everything through a “1950s” lens?

All in all, I hope people out there never become to driven by their social media outlets so much so that they forget to enjoy themselves existing without these platforms. I am one of those people. I hope they are loving the fact that they are able to live in such a way where convenience is at everyone’s fingertips. I hope they don’t have a void of affection that can only be filled with the number of “likes” for a certain thing. I hope this for myself too. I hope I hope I hope.