FanPoetry: Let Me

Still about Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes. If you don’t know what that is, please go to tumblr and search the “Carol Movie” tag. If you feel like feeling more than you’ve felt in a long time, find it in the nearest cinema and prepare to be a ball of red hot emotion. This is from Therese’s POV. 

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Let me hold you like a corset
For the thought of you makes it hard to breathe
I’ll caress you like a duvet cover
Unbearable sleep if you are not wrapped around me

Let me wear you like a hat
Be always intimate with my thoughts
which silently burst with love for you in every passing trance

I’ll stroke you like a fur coat
Deliciously decadent and essential to my pleasure, which only gushes profusely with proximity to you

Let me fill the spaces between us like newspaper-stuffed shoes,
We have found the perfect fit and we shall venture to places together we never knew

Allow me to know how you like your eggs done in the morning, or how you like your tea. How you cross your shoelaces when you tie them, or whether or not you use coasters….tell me every banal detail of your preferences so I may notice how the brief nuances of my existence collide with your style of living

I know I would be useless in hardships we individually face, but let my intentions be enough to soothe your anxieties the way a cup of camomile tea can…never let you go to bed without a comforting touch to defend your dreams from nightmares

I’ll be there, on the end of every line you stutter, fluttering out of you like uncertainty always does.

I’ll never fail to answer to your calls, for I have long since fallen,
unabashed and enthralled
Finally seeing for the first time why people adore the autumn and heartbreak

I don’t want you to buy me anything
Just gift me your time
Your efforts
Your side-gazes
Watch me walk away like I watch you
Your present is your being
Being mine
For I am already yours
So it’s only fair
That I get to share this with no one else

I am full of wealth and golden moments preserved in a bank of memories that I couldn’t forget even if stolen away and tainted
If only the times,
If only our friends and acquaintances could understand: “how could there possibly be anything less organic than this magnetic pull against all odds. It does not simply happen nor is it wrong. It merely “is.”
And so are we.

This is no fallacy of reasoning
A murderous desire for affection towards you
At you
On you
Cannot seem to do much without you in mind
Every second reminds me
To talk to you
To think of you
To blink and hope in the millisecond of darkness and boring residence in a fragment of life which you do not inhibit, that you would appear suddenly, half-smiling like you always do…bemused..

I think you always knew the second that I looked onto the blue satin scarf that blew in the wind when I met you
My future was seen through its transparent cloth and tied to a future that followed you wherever the air behind lingered

I’m simply wrapped around your finger, your eyelashes and luscious lips trick my senses into abandoning all wit to freeze over like winter season does to fully grown trees…filling the floor with dead leaves so there’s room for new entrances and hope for a fresh beginning…

Let me hold you
For support
For warmth
For it is the only freedom we can taste in this society which is not yet ready to accept us outrightly
For I would like nothing more than to broadcast to the universe and the sun that favours your shadow of my infinitesimal love
For you

For no one can tell me this feeling isn’t gargantuan in strength and size
Nor flawed in its conception
Though I’m well aware to live with apprehension
In order to maintain this status quo
In which our woes are born and raised with discrimination and rejection
But I would rather suffer a hundreds times more
this kind of subjection
if it meant that I could have you in my arms even for one second.
Have the flesh yolks of my hand merge with yours and allow a spring of passion to erupt

I so surely knew what it was when I first saw you
Though its name I did not recognise
For I had never felt it before,
And though the world may never know
We shall keep this love as intimate as a secret
To keep it safe
Keep us binded in our fates sealed together in confidentiality
For all that matters
Is between you and me
Should everything come full circle,
And we do.

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FanPoetry: Waterloo

I must admit, this is a first for me…writing fan poetry based on a movie..this is a poem based on the movie Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes. If you’ve watched it, perhaps you will enjoy it. It is ridiculously pulchritudinous, cinematically and emotionally overwhelming in every single way. I am still in recovery, and I shant find a movie this inspiring until … well, ever.  

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The must of high-end perfume diffuses into my veins
Which runs in the currents
Runs into circles and swirls of desire
Pumped all over my body
I’m weak at the knees
I’m wondering if you’re seeing what I see

Unsure if you realise
The way I’m gazing at you
Do you look at everyone like this?
For me,
Only you.

You walked into my life
Fur coat, red lips-
Might.
Proclaiming attention,
Especially mine

I imagine the texture of the hairs
The hairs on your back,
The cares that lie beneath
That adorable pink beret

I fear I’ve gone astray at the thought of you
And only you
My mind no longer accepts images
that aren’t you
Should you invite me to indulge in your presence
You said to me,

“Darling,
Would you?”

Hesitation to feign some nonchalance
Training control where it is due
Barely able to contain my lustful thirst,
I’ll go to you,
I want you.

Communicating what is true
Blazing my desperate longing through
Those calm grey eyes
Petrifying
The smoothest stone,
A love tune

Lullaby, lullaby
You may be wise
Helping me rise
My fortune

Flung out of space
A black hole am I,
Merging with the smoke trailing from your mouth
Devour every thought that floats aimless
In my mind
I do not mind

What is this love?

It is for you.

Keep down inside
This fragile mine
Ready to explode
At your slightest touch

And your disguise,
Undressed with time
Vodka and wine
Passion and grind

You are magnificent,
Splendiferous
All I crave’s your kiss
Smell your neck
Your wrist,

Spiral into uncertainty
Detect reciprocity
Hoping you know what you mean to me…
A dream turned to reality,

“Carol, I love you.”

I thought a million times over,
Never did I know
What was to come
To which you replied,

“Don’t you know…
I love you?”

You call me an angel,
But you took me to heaven.

Flung out of space,
Right into your arms.

Finally, I sleep
Lulled to by
The sound of your breath
Matching the rhythm
Of
my heart.

VENUS MAG.

So about a month ago, a poem I sent to Venus Mag., an online feminist magazine for university students about gender identity called “Ella está, ya está”. It’s a play on words for “Ella” which is a traditional English female name, and “ella”, which means “she” in Spanish. The title means “She is here, that’s all.”

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Read the poem here at the website. 

I was inspired by learning about the non-binary community and the socialisation of gender roles in society as a whole. Perhaps it would be interesting to ask yourself if you necessarily identify with the gender you have been given, versus the one you actually are. And whether or not it matters to you.

Hope you guys enjoy.

Nostalgia

Another appearance I make here
Refreshes my lenses for memories askew
I came back to the place
I thought I’d known
And what I know now-
I knew.

Never changes, this place
The storefronts are course
The streets are repaved
The old man, still hoarse

Renovations are made
The essential’s the same
Though from here, I came
It’s like I never left

I can call this my home
Yet hear the discord
I never belonged
And I feel no remorse

I cannot feel safe
The confines of this land
Anxiety fuses with sand
Filling my hourglass

I am different
No longer satisfied
No longer ignorant
No longer tolerant
Of how things are run here

Yet I,
Tumbling around
Oceanic waves
Pushed lunar and seismic
Barely keeping me sane

Sea water makes me nauseous
Makes my eyes tear up with pain
The saline, it burns
And I pray for the rain

It is here I step onto
A piece of small sea glass
Seeping smooth sensuality
Something cloudy and comforting.

It is but a mirror
Of what I see here
I shall keep this eroded shard
Ever so near

Where my heart never was.
Nor will it ever here, stay.
I hold it to my chest,
Continue on my way.

Fill in the Blank

It is what is said in the silence
A paradox of meaning
Interpretation abuses overthought
Saying nothing
is saying everything

Forces you to read between the gaps
Between the lines
Looking for other signs of sensory evidence to reduce the suspense that lingers after uncertainty
All that what you see or seem
Is almost never what it is
exactly,

That’s why a cold shoulder hurts more than the frostiest winds
Is it spite or anger?
Is it fury or contempt?
Wondering forever
Forever suspecting
What that glare or stare
Actually meant

That’s why a loving look
Can border on romantic
For not even Descartes could tell you how to distinguish loves
particularly dramatic
Is this a gaze of desire,
Or compassion?
Passion?
Or empathy?
Sympathy?
Please,
Just, look at me,
Secretly thinking
Yet walk away

Me,
still looking
I’m hooked on something.
Perhaps you’re lovely
I’ll make you lovely.

Ultimately,
How do
I
see silence?

Pregnant with bursting potential…
Waiting
To be
Defined.

I’m Wobbly

​dedicated to my wobbly friends and my wobbly heart ❤

I’ve grown accustomed to instability
I’m wobbly
And wobbly people walk like penguins
With anxiety

We look ok
We look just fine
We still ramble on with the hands of time
But the truth is
Deep down inside
A pendulum swings
Between blurry lines

Increasing angst
Frustrations tense
Panic
Disorder
Pass this fence
Pressure immense
To act ok
In the end
We are still pained this way

Afraid of where the knives are kept
Afraid of events
That came and went
Afraid to mention
Afraid to vent
The tension builds
Breaking and bent

Then to defence
Paralysis
Movement erect
Paralysis
Interaction
Paralysis
I don’t want you
To see me like this

I excuse myself
Despite wanting to spend the day with people
There are too many persons in my brain right now
The ones who cry wolf
The ones who scream with tears
The ones who emphasise despair
permeating constant with fear

To those I find dear
I can’t look
I leer
To mask the uncertainty
I may tell you the truth
But the truth isn’t clear
Even to my vision
I thought my sight was near

I need time to regroup
My mind overworked in hyperdrive
Not enough storage
need a factory reset
To restart
And cry

But if you tell me to just get over it
To just “get better”
I just
Might throw myself
Into the deep end

I’ll get better
At dodging
Your questions.

I’ll get better
At hiding myself from those who don’t understand at all
Because the pressure to “be better” makes me worse

You can’t rush these things
You couldn’t tell someone to just “get over” their broken leg
My mind is broken from trauma
I don’t even know where it came from
All I know is I need crutches
I need friends
I need trust
I need love
I’m wobbly
And wobbly people walk like penguins with anxiety

So walk with me
Tell me everything will be ok,
And some part of me
Will start
To believe it.